The Year Butters Died and Became Dumbledore
by SabraLovesDietSoda
Summary: This is a weird fic. It contains slash and foul language so read at your own risk
1. Chapter 1

This is just a weird ass story.

Who knows?  
Some of you may find it interesting.

I do not own South Park.

Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit," Stan Marsh said sitting his blue lunch tray down on the long wooden table. I rolled my icy blue eyes because I just knew he was about to say something about me. I then tucked a strand of platinum blonde hair behind my ear and leaned in closer to hear what he had to say about me.

"What is it?" I then heard Kenny ask eagerly, he was always eager to what Stan had to say.

"I saw Butters staring at Craig," Stan replied with a small smile pulling at his rosy pink lips. Bingo! He was going to say something about me. Kenny's eyes widened and his big bratz doll head started bobbing wildly before responding to what Stan had said.

"Are they you know?" He asked rapidly sticking his index finger in his fist multiple times. I again rolled my icy blue eyes, this time to Kenny's immaturity.

"I wouldn't doubt it," Stan said with a snicker running his hand through his short black hair. Kenny and Stan then started laughing like a pack of hyenas. I could feel the warm wet feel of tears as they crept up into my eyes, how come Stan and Kenny always had to make fun of me like this? Didn't they have anything better to do?

"Ack! I-It's okay," Tweak staring at me compassionately with his grey eyes, while twitching at the same time, he must have sensed my obvious sadness.

"No it's not," I said using a chubby pink hand to wipe a tear off my now reddened cheek. Tweak sighed and picked up a wadded up napkin that had somehow made its way to our table.

"Gahh! I wonder what this is." He asks dropping it about eight times before he finally managed to open it. I was curious so I decided to take a peek too, my heart nearly busted out of my chest when I recognised Craig's nearly illegible handwriting.

"Give me that!" I screeched out tearing the napkin out of Tweak's hand, I didn't feel bad about being so forceful with him though, I knew he'd forget all about it in about an hour or two; Tweak has a super bad memory. My heart started swooning at just the sight of Craig's handwriting. I clutched the napkin close to my chest and breathed in deeply, it was almost as if I was holding Craig in the flesh.

"Aah! A-Are you going to eat that?" Tweak asked rudely interrupting my thoughts of Craig.

"Duh, I'm going to eat my roll, are you crazy? You know I always eat everything on my tray," I snapped. Tweak shrank back like I had just slapped him and got up to throw his tray away. I rolled my icy blue eyes with annoyance when he tripped over an invisible foot on his way to the trashcan. My attention was soon directed away from my brother when I started to smell the distinct smell of Craig; gasoline and cooking cabbage. My first reaction was to faint, but I restrained myself so I could stare at his glorious beauty. Craig looked rather godlike with his pointy witch nose, pale freckly skin, his straight black hair, and his light blue eyes that were almost the same shade as mine. I started breathing heavily as Craig started getting closer and closer; I nearly fainted again when he was just one table away. My dreamlike state soon turned into horror when I saw Craig put his un-muscular arm around Bebe Stevens, the most popular girl in school. There are many reasons why I didn't like Bebe, the first being that she is more popular than me, the second being, she is friends with Stan and Kenny. I glared at Bebe wishing that I could shoot laser beams out of my icy blue eyes. She in return gave me a fake smile and a small wave that almost made me vomit all over my new eight hundred dollar purple pumps. My bad mood deepened when I saw my maths tutor start to strut over to my table. If you were to ask me, I'd say that Kyle isn't much to look at with his curly red hair, acne covered jaw line, and non-muscular body. Stan would disagree though; he thinks he's the hottest thing since molten lava.

"Are you ready to get started?" He asked carefully placing a pre-algebra book on my lunch table like it was a precious stone.

"Ready as I'll ever be," I muttered staring at Craig's beauty over Kyle's shoulder.

"Well pay attention then," Kyle said pushing the pre-algebra book under my nose. I glared at him wishing again that laser beams could shoot out of my icy blue eyes. I almost started crying again as Kyle was showing me how to turn decimals into percentages and vice versa.

"This is too hard," I moaned.

"No it's really easy," Kyle insisted.

"No it's not!" I screeched out annoyed by this nerd who kept trying to teach me pre-algebra after I had insisted multiple times that I did not want a tutor.

"I guess I'll teach you some more tomorrow," Kyle said at the sound of the bell ringing for next period. I breathed a sigh of relief when Kyle finally left; I decided that I should probably get a move on too. As I was gathering my stuff, my heart sank to the bottom of my bright pink panties when I saw Craig escort Bebe out of the cafeteria.


	2. Chapter 2

Craig's POV

As I was escorting Bebe out of the cafeteria, I glance over at Butters bending over to pick up his purple Hello Kitty backpack. As much as Butters grossed me out, and as much as he annoyed me, I just couldn't stay away from him. I always made sure to be right next to wherever he was at; I had even switched from Home Ec to Drama so I could be in the same class as him.

"Why was that Butters guy staring at us?" Bebe asked with her head resting on my shoulder as we walked down the hall.

"No idea, maybe he has the hots for me," I replied moving a stray strand of blonde hair off of Bebe's forehead. I felt slightly bad about using Bebe as a decoy to make Butters jealous. Don't get me wrong, I thought Bebe was the hottest thing since molten lava, but a little worm deep in my brain kept telling me to go after Butters.

"Anyone would have the hots for you," Bebe giggled raising her head up to kiss me on the cheek, it was a dry kiss, not a slimy kiss like Butter's had been when he had to kiss me on my cheek for the play that we had rehearsed last week. Not wanting to seem desperate for Butters, I switched characters with Kenny so I wouldn't have to kiss Butters full on the lips. Kenny was not happy with the switch. When the time came to do the play for the school, Kenny pretended like he was dying from a rare foot and mouth disease, Kenny then had to be replaced with my under study, Pip. I sighed and walked slowly into my English class where I knew all the girls would be hungrily feasting their eyes on me, they all wanted me. Well, all except Wendy that is, but I swear she's a lesbian.

"Attention class, today we are going to learn a few adjectives that will make you sound smarter than you are," Mr Woo, our English teacher from China said with a small smile playing on his tan lips. I decided to ignore Mr Woo to look over at Stan's posse who were snickering and passing a note back and forth, from the way they kept pointing at Jenna Lake, I knew that they were talking about her greasy black womanstache. I usually don't care if people make fun of other people, but when it's those guys I always feel anger boil up inside of me. I think it may be because they make fun of EVERYONE and their heads are too far up their butts to see that they are the ones who are malfunctioned. I don't see how my sexy nice girlfriend could be friends with them; it didn't make any sense to me at all.

"Take a picture it will last longer," Stan sneered making a fist with his large tan hand.

"Yeah, take a picture," Kenny said narrowing his eyes at me. Kenny is really stupid like that, he can never think of his own comebacks, so he just repeats Stan. Stan kind of became the next Cartman after Cartman moved away but we'll get that that at another time.

"I will not fight, I am much too wise to sink down to your level, because you see my dear, I reply on my brains and not my brawn," I said proudly with my nose in the air. I was soon knocked off my high horse when I felt Stan's sledgehammer like fist connect with my chin. Instead of coming to my rescue and sending Stan to the office, Mr Woo just chuckled and said some lame one liner about how someone high and mighty always gets knocked off his pedestal. I turned my aching head slightly to look at Butters who had his chubby hand covering his small mouth in a slight gasp; his beady eyes were opened so wide that they almost looked like a normal human's. While staring at Butters, I couldn't help but to notice the large pimple on the side of his chin. It was a pretty grotesque looking pimple; it reminded me of a dime sized pink hill wearing a yellowish white hat. I finally peeled my eyes away from Butter's face hoping that he did not see me staring at him.


	3. Chapter 3

Butter's POV

It might have been my overactive fantasy filled imagination, but I could have sworn that Craig was staring at me. My heart fluttered in my chest and I started breathing heavily at just the thought of Craig taking a glance at me.

"Butters, are you okay?" My best friend Clyde asked in his nasally voice as we stepped into the Science classroom.

"Uh, yeah I'm fine," I muttered with embarrassment creeping up in my cheeks. It's bad having an extremely observant friend when you're fantasizing about your future lover, I'm just glad that Clyde is the observant type who hardly points the things he notices out. Clyde ran his hand through his jaw length brown hair and laughed. If there is one thing I absolutely cannot stand, it's when people laugh at me.

"Bug off Clyde," I said putting on the meanest looking face that I could muster, which only made Clyde laugh harder. To make matters worse, Tweak even started laughing. It was when half the room started laughing that I started having a panic attack.

"Ugh just leave me alone!" I moaned out with my hands grasping the sides of my head tightly. I could feel hot tears spring up into my beautiful blue eyes but I didn't care, I wanted them to see the pain they were causing me by laughing at me.

"Oh poor little Butters is going to cry," Stan cooed in a babyish voice that made me want to punch him straight in the nose. I knew that was impossible, Stan could lift up my two hundred twenty-seven pound body with one hand and easily toss me into outer space. I then thought about beating up Kenny to get back at Stan, he didn't have Stan's strength but whenever I got near him, I always had to shield my eyes from his glaring beauty. If he wasn't such a Stan clone, I may have thought he was even better looking than Craig. Instead of punching Stan's nose in, I just glared daggers at him, wishing for the third time that day that laser beams would shoot out of my eyes.

"Aw cat got your tongue?" Stan cooed. I painfully glared at Kenny when I heard him cackle from behind him. I need some shades, some super stunna shades, I thought to myself taking in sense of Kenny's glaring beauty.

"Answer me!" Stan growled out slapping my shoulder which caused me to fly over two desks. I started crying pitifully then, hoping that Craig would come to my rescue, he didn't. Instead he called me a wimp and hugged Bebe close to him. I felt like my life was going to end right then and there, the love of my life, the reason for my living, had just called me a wimp!

"Oh my gosh! Your crying is hurting my ears!" Stan groaned out throwing a text book which probably crashed through three classroom walls.

"Mr Marsh is there a problem?" Mr Banger asked narrowing his yellow eyes at Stan.

"Yes there's a problem! Butters and his pink crying face are getting on my nerves!" Stan said gruffly.

"Mr Stotch please head to the nurse's office, it looks like you're not fit to stay in here," Mr Banger said. I hated Mr Banger, it was just like him to make me look even more like a fool in front of the class, I would get back at Stan and Mr Banger, and I just knew it.


	4. Chapter 4

Stan's POV

"That Butters gets on my nerves so freakin bad!" I growled out in my deep gruff voice.

"Just ignore him, he'll end up being impregnated by an aphid again anyways," Kenny said.

"For what? The eight hundredth time this year?" I asked punching a wall, for some reason Butters really gets on my grills. I turned around sharply when I heard a scoff from behind me, I nearly laughed my socks off when I saw Butters' other half Clyde standing there glaring up at my six foot eight self.

"It's not nice to talk about people," He said angrily in his annoying nasally voice.

"Do I care?" I asked bending down to look him straight in the eyes, I remember my sort of friend Cartman telling me once that it is intimidating to stare someone right in the eyes.

"Um I guess not," Clyde squeaked out backing into a wall. Hey, I guess Cartman was right!

"Good, now don't try to criticize me again," I said before catching up with Kenny to go to Drama class. When I stepped into the classroom, the first thing that happened was Tweak running up with a script in his hand.

"Nghh! Want to be my partner for this dramatic duet?" He asked shaking the script under my nose.

"Ack! I-It's a love duet," He added batting his eyelashes, while twitching, which looked kind of weird. I had to restrain myself from vomiting, if there's anything I hate more than Butters, it is midget punks who are friends of Butters' that have a crush on me.

"Um no thank you, I am already doing a love duet with Kyle," I said grabbing the nerdy boy firmly around his middle causing him to gasp out in pain.

"Actually, I am picking partners for you," Ms Pearl butted in slinging her feather boa behind her shoulder. I groaned at this and released Kyle who ran off and hid behind a desk.

"Ooh please put me with Stan! I'll bake you all the cookies you want!" Tweak begged with his hands grasped tightly in front of his small birdlike chest.

"Now Tweak, you know you can't go around bribing people," Ms Pearl said.

"Fine, I'll just post that picture of you dancing on the pool table with that broom pretending that it is your husband that you'll never have all over the internet," Tweak said darkly. He didn't even twitch or make weird noises this time! Hey, I might actually like this kid. Ms Pearl's mouth dropped open in shock and her whole face paled.

"You wouldn't dare!" She gasped out.

"Yeah, how'd you get a picture of her doing that anyway?" Craig asked.

"Ever since Harbucks started serving coffee with alcohol, my dad started bringing a camera to work, he takes pictures of all his costumers who act like idiots," Tweak said smugly. He still wasn't tweaking, which was odd, I guess it must have been something in the air. Craig just smirked and ran off to go kiss his girlfriend. Butters was deeply in love with him, everyone could tell, but I could see the freak that Craig was. After weeks of persuading Bebe, I finally got her to agree to go out with Craig so we could make Butters even more miserable. Speak of the devil, I thought to myself when Butters stood up and brushed off his mid-thigh length purple skirt and cleared his throat.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to be with Kyle," He said smirking slightly at me. Oh, the little punk has balls. I thought to myself knowing full well that Butters knows about my crush on Kyle. There was NO WAY IN HELL that I was going to let him get away with this. By 3:15 today, Butters will be dead!


End file.
